Political Satire Unlimited

Reading the Epstein files, I think it’s time for the federal government to take action. Perhaps not the kind of action people think. These alleged women today claim that famous and wealthy bank execs, politicians, and business leaders engaged in sex while they were underage, which is a farcical charge. I believe this is a conspiracy, but not the type you're thinking of.

You see, most wealthy individuals (through the two releases of the Epstein files) claim they didn’t know Jeffrey Epstein very well. Some were quoted as saying, "Once they realized he was a creep, they eliminated all contact." Some recently stated that they were unaware of his conviction in Florida in 2008 for procuring a child for prostitution. A serious charge, but only 5% of the charge he should have released with an unbiased and fair criminal justice system. But because Epstein was well-connected, was that charge in '08 prosecutorial malpractice? One politician said he was only interested in talking politics or international trade while flying on Epstein's Lolita Express. (Even though many underage girls were present on the flight.) A few of these elite males claimed that the two weeks on Jeffrey’s island were primarily focused on establishing non-profits for the African poor. Shouldn't we believe these men?

These wealthiest Americans (from this point forward, I'll refer to them as the Billionaire Class), many of whom have created opportunities for the less fortunate, are being slandered by these accuser women. It’s a media travesty that they’re getting the blame; the only explanation I can derive is that these women, who were minors when serving Epstein, see very green pastures. Many of the accusers are far from affluent, but they will not miss out on an opportunity, something that’s too obvious not to see. Because these men accused of illegal and inappropriate sex all have alibis, my only conclusion is that the accusers have hired attorneys and created a campaign to squeeze dough out of the wealthy, mostly men.

Don’t roll your eyes yet. I know it sounds farcical, but hear me carefully. I know it’s hard to believe that these women lied to the FBI, Florida state officials, held local and national press conferences, in the hopes of getting rich. It’s a lot of lying and work, but this investment will pay off. For these women, rising from the working class to the upper class is a dream, and the majority voted to “do whatever it takes” to achieve those benefits.

These famous men have the right to protect their name. Just because some men only spent two hours at Epstein's New York apartment or two days on the island (with underage girls) does not give corporate media so much leeway to ruin reputations. It’s unbelievable that these women are trying to destroy the reputations of this Billionaire Class (a current and former president, an NFL team owner, someone in Trump’s cabinet, and among the wealthiest men in the world). The truth must come out; these poor billionaires are having their reputations dragged through the mud without due process. If you believe the billionaires, then this can only be a money grab. As this controversy picks up more speed, it may mean a better opportunity for the women to cash in. (Maybe our President could put a stop to this malarky, oh wait, his name appears all over these files. So, never mind.)

Americans, please believe me, this is not the type of conspiracy you're expecting. Those "so-called victims," perhaps, are the ones engaged in conspiratorial behavior. The public wants answers and full transparency. But are they ready for the facts if the facts are contrary to your beliefs and theories, and shocking and painful? All those powerful and affluent men recently mentioned in the media are taking an unnecessary fallout for the women's accusations. You may ask, "How do I know?" Because all the billionaires had good reasons, excuses, and alibis when asked by journalists recently whether they had traveled on the Lolita Express or were friends with Jeffrey Epstein at any point from 1990 onward. If you can't trust and believe the Billionaire Class, who can you believe?

Political Satire Unlimited