top of page

Machiavellian Mitch? (Satire)

Updated: Mar 27

Mitch McConnell, the longest-serving Senate leader in history, announced on February 28, 2024, that he would resign in November. He has served Kentucky as its senior Senator since 1985 and became the GOP Senate leader for 17 years. A friend from many years ago has known Mitch since he became a U.S. Senator in the mid-eighties. He had a chance to interview Mitch after his announcement. 

From Wikipedia: Machiavellianism (or Machiavellism) is widely defined as the political philosophy of the Italian Renaissance diplomat Niccolò Machiavelli, usually associated with an unrelenting pursuit for power and realism in politics and foreign policy.

Can you talk about the transfer of power in January of '21?

I opposed Trump's attempt to overturn this election by publically admitting Trump provoked the attack on the U.S. Capitol. Many of my partisan colleagues on the right couldn't believe that I did this. They didn't realize that when it came to a vote on whether Trump incited the insurrection, I'd vote to acquit Trump. Most members of the committee were Democrats who thought they'd have my vote because of my public statements that Trump provoked this attack. They accuse me today of enabling Trump to run again for President in 2024; what I say about a topic publicly doesn't mean that's the way I'm going to vote. I'm the ideal political animal. My thirst for power and control supersedes any morality in this scenario. I keep the press and Democrats guessing by my intent of loving party over country, so that's what I do.

How do you think history will remember you?

In this world, you grab onto power, especially as a Senate Majority or Minority leader, and never let go. I don't care about my legacy; I only care about securing power as long as possible. When I'm gone, why should I care about what history books write about me or how I approached leadership in the Senate?


Please talk briefly about refusing to consider President Obama's moderate Supreme Court pick, Merrick Garland.

President Obama was a lightweight who came to power with little legislative experience. He wasn't interested in working directly with Congress. Maybe Obama thought he had all the answers because he was a law professor at one point. I came up with the ridiculous idea that a sitting president has no authority to nominate someone to the Supreme Court during their last year in office. I had yet to learn if such an approach would have legs. However, taking on Obama made me feel I had an excellent chance to outfox him. I was playing chess while Barack was playing checkers. With my Republican electorate who hated Obama, that was a gamble I was ready to take. Even though many questioned my approach, it's not about playing by the rules or following precedent but rather about winning. I prevented another liberal judge from sitting on the Supreme Court. This is the same philosophy I engaged in when playing sports: if I can cheat or bend the rules to win, there's no question I'd do that. 

What do you think of term limits for U.S. Senators and Representatives?

I have been the senior United States senator from Kentucky since 1985, the longest-serving Senator in his state's history, about 39 years. God, this is a great country! I've also been the longest-serving Senate party leader in U.S. history, becoming the leader in 2007. How could I ever have accomplished so much for myself if we had term limits? On the other hand, I don't care what happens after my tenure. I'm not interested in changes or reform if it doesn't affect my career. 

Some in the media gave you the nickname "Moscow Mitch." How did that sit with you?

I earned that nickname because I've done everything Vlad and Donald wanted me to do (besides supporting Ukraine). Frankly, I don't care; it's just a silly nickname I ignore. I've been accused of not supporting comprehensive election security, although the U.S. intelligence community says Moscow is continuing to weaponize disinformation through social media on behalf of Trump. I'm interested in focusing on something other than how Putin is propagating lies and misinformation regarding our election. If it doesn't impact me politically, I'm inclined not to pay much attention. 

Does the fact that you represent Kentucky, a state with a much smaller population, lead you to believe that you can wield so much power?

This is a pretty good racket if you can get away with it. For example, I've been elected Senator in Kentucky for almost 40 years. Kentucky has a population of less than 5 million, about 1.3 percent of the U.S. population. We're supposed to be a democracy, but with rule manipulation and the obsession with obtaining power, I can garner so much more power than our Forefathers had designed. 

Were you upset that Donald Trump insulted your wife and called her racist names?

Some say I was a coward for not condemning what Trump said. How could a man not defend his wife from such an attack? Was I afraid of Trump? No, I knew I could get more from Trump than any Democratic President. My wife knew it was a career boom for me to go along with Trump's silly name-calling. I got what I wanted by getting three members of the Supreme Court during this time.


Who will replace you? 

It could be Senators John Cornyn of Texas, John Barrasso of Wyoming, or John Thune of South Dakota. All three will vie for the party leadership role and do Trump's bidding. In recent weeks, all three have endorsed Trump in the 2024 election, so I hope the minority party will continue to have a majority rule. That's a good legacy to leave. BTW, isn't the Electoral College great where states like Wyoming and North Dakota with measly populations can get two Senators each --- the same as California?

Did you once say the most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president?

With Barack Obama's presidential election, I announced the Republican line. "The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president," he ordered. My tactic was the filibuster, which I had earlier decried. During the Obama presidency, I held up 517 Senate debates through filibusters. We successfully filibustered 79 Obama federal judicial nominees during his first five years, compared with 68 in the entirety of previous history. 

Do you have any recommendations for raising money for your or other Congressional campaigns?

About a month ago, Trump introduced some fancy gym shoes to help raise money for his campaign. They don't appeal to me because I'm old and slow. Yesterday, I learned that he's selling Bibles as another money channel. If I were younger and considering I represent the Commonwealth of Kentucky, I'd consider selling bourbon or Kentucky whiskey to help pay my bills. Or maybe, grass from the infield at the Kentucky Derby...campaigns are costly, so you push aside scruples and make money where possible.

How do you feel about Fox News now that you're retiring from this position?

Technically, I have a few more years to represent Kentucky before I'm out of politics, so I need to be careful what I say about Fox News. Like many other news outlets, it's out there to make money. They figured out the best way to garner as much support as possible while promoting fear. They don't respect Trump but know he sometimes helps them "butter their bread." Fox uses Trump, and Trump uses Fox; it's transactional. What amazes me about some of the electorate is how Fox still has plenty of viewers even after they settled a significant defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting ($787.5 million). Dominion claimed that Fox repeatedly aired allegations that the company's voting machines were rigged against Trump in the 2020 election. I don't respect Fox News, but that's where a lot of my electorate goes for news, so I leverage their platform whenever possible.

Who would you like to replace you as the Senate leader if you had a vote?

I want someone who will continue to serve the MAGA ideology. It would help if you had someone like me --- a pitbull who is unafraid to get into the mud and wrestle a pig, someone young and crooked who will support Trump regardless of the issue. Who fits this bill? J.D. Vance, the Senator from Ohio, would be a perfect replacement. 

Did you break your pledge by supporting Trump's nomination of Amy Coney Barrett for the Supreme Court on September 26, 2020?

The death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg left a vacancy. Why she didn't quit during the Obama administration is beyond me. The Democrats botched this one, so in politics, go for the jugular before your opponent grabs yours. Obama had nominated Merrick Garland ten months before the election (264 days). Still, I said, "Presidents shouldn't be able to nominate someone for the Supreme Court in an election year. Well, because it would benefit me and the Republicans, I changed my mind, so she was confirmed weeks before the 2020 election. My pledge meant something during the Obama administration, but damn principles if you can benefit by changing your mind.  

Machiavellian Mitch?

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page