A Mindboggling Perspective (Satire)

Satire (Noun): the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Claude is a photographer who works out of his small studio overlooking downtown Montreal. He has traveled to Maine to do some contract work for a client. Andrew is an auto mechanic who lives outside of Lewiston, Maine. Claude stops into a small café in Lewiston, Maine, for a break and maybe a chat with the locals. He sees another man, Andrew, sitting alone in the café, and he starts a conversation about the strange and challenging times between the two countries. Being curious, Claude is interested in a constructive and respectful conversation about the most recent challenges of the Canadian-American relationship.

Claude decides to “rip off the band-aid” and says, “Are we still friends, the Canadians and the Americans? If so, why did Trump begin to target Canada and Mexico with unprecedented tariffs early in his administration?"

Andrew smiles and says, “I thought he just focused on China and not Canada."

Claude smiles and says, “Trump first targeted Canada and Mexico in February. Your president thinks we’re ripping him off, so his response is to make exports from Canada more expensive. How will you handle that?”

Andrew shrugs and says, “I like your land and your people, but if it’s impossible to import less expensive items from Canada, we’ll turn to another country for products to import.”

Claude looks bewildered and states, “Sir, do you realize that Trump has assessed tariffs on virtually all countries. Even several countries where the only inhabitants are penguins. Therefore, you might look elsewhere for goods, but all goods will be more expensive for the American consumer.”

Andrew states, “You can call me Andrew,” and then he says, “Well, if the government collects enough from the tariffs, perhaps our federal income tax will be eliminated. At least that’s what I read on social media.”

“What social media do you read?” asks Claude.

Andrew quickly states, “Facebook, X, Truth Social, and sometimes I read Newsmax. Aren’t those the same sites you’d sometimes visit when getting your news?”

Claude smiles after hearing these right-wing media sources and says, “It’s fine to view those sites sometimes, but it’s important to think critically about what you hear and read. Have your friends or family exposed you to anything that may question what’s occurring in Washington?”

Even though Andrew lives in Maine, which is close to the Canadian border, he prefers to follow sites his rural friends follow. Because America is a superpower, he primarily follows domestic politics instead of international politics. He thinks there's enough stuff here with about 350 million Americans and doesn’t see the need to look to Canada or Europe for ideas or alternatives.

Our Canadian friend realizes that Andrew may live in his bubble, so he asks, “What’s the capital of the United States?”

Andrew laughs and says, “Everyone knows it’s Washington, but not the state!”

Claude then asks Andrews, “What’s the capital of Canada?”

Andrew sheepishly shrugs his shoulders and says, “Toronto or Montreal?”

Claude is surprised that Andrew doesn’t know the capital is Ottawa – a city only 550 kilometers from his home in Maine. At this point, realizing that this fellow he’s just met is American and only deals in the old British imperial system, he says, “That’s about 330 miles for an American.”

Andrew’s face shows a confused look. Doesn't he realize these two close neighbors have different measurement systems? Maybe he doesn’t realize that Canada has the metric system? Claude decides to let that go.

Andrew feels slightly defensive and says, “At least we won the most recent men’s world hockey tournament by defeating the Canadians!”

Claude, who loves hockey and watched every tournament game, says to Andrew soberly, “No, Canada won the 4 Nations Face-Off Championship.” He wonders quietly why anyone who lives in a cold northern state like Maine doesn't know that.

The topic shifts to Trump's recent statement that he wants Canada to become the 51st state.

Claude says, “I was insulted when Trump said that. We’re not for sale, and being a sovereign country, we have zero interest in becoming part of the United States.”

“Trump was just throwing darts at a dartboard, trying to see what might stick. You know, a trial balloon, that’s how he operates," says Andrew.

Andrew continues, "You remember, The Art of the Deal."

Claude wonders why many Americans think Trump can effectively govern the world's largest economy, as if he had run a casino in Atlantic City. He also wonders if being bankrupt six times will be an asset to his executive management style.

How would Andrew feel if this happened to the United States?

Andrew says, “I never thought about it. I don’t think the Canadians can take a joke.”

At this point in the conversation, Claude gets annoyed. He says, “Are you at all provincial with not knowing much about Canada, considering the USA and Canada have the longest undefended border in the world?"

A confused look appeared on Andrew’s face as he asked, “What does provincial mean?”

Claude quietly thinks to himself, “If someone doesn’t know what provincial means, it typically means they are provincial (indeed not a compliment).“

He continues, “Let me be brutally honest here, Canadians are pissed at your government and Trump, this is serious business. They have removed many American products from the shelves in response to the tariffs. Consumers are strongly encouraged not to buy American any longer. This isn’t how friendly neighbors treat one another.”

Andrew trusts Trump and thinks he has the interest of all Americans at heart. He believes it’s only a matter of time before fair trade agreements will be implemented.

Claude responds, “This is consequential business. About 10% of all homes in the US are owned by Canadians, and many of them have put a 'for sale' sign in their front yards. I don’t think these people are messing around – this is a direct result of being mistreated by the American government.”

Andrew laughs and says, “Where else can they go? They’re stuck going to Texas, Florida, or California.” He doesn’t think this action by some Canadians will impact the American economy.

After hearing that Canadians are limited in where they can spend their winters, Claude quietly thinks of the Bahamas, Barbados, the Cayman Islands, or the Turks and Caicos Islands.

There are still other options for snowbirds in Montreal when the temperature is minus 15 degrees Celsius (5 degrees Fahrenheit) in January.

After such a chat, there's so much confusion and exhaustion as he stares at his empty coffee mug and knows it's about time to leave.

Claude asks Andrew if he remembers the Vietnam War. Claude recently read an article about how many young Americans who fled to Canada to avoid the draft still reside there. Many were conscientious objectors who didn’t believe the American government’s excuse of extinguishing the spread of communism in Southeast Asia. Claude said, “Thankfully, our country didn’t feel the same about the war as Americans.”

Andrew said, “I wasn’t alive during the war, so I don’t know anything about it.”

Claude says, “You weren’t alive during the Great Depression, but I bet you knew many Americans suffered greatly during the 1930s.”

Unfortunately, Andrew just stared at his coffee while taking a sip.  

Before the conversation ends, Claude gives him a little history lesson about Canada's most recent election results.

Unfortunately, Andrew isn’t aware that the neighbors to the north recently had an election.

“Andrew,” Claude states, “A few months ago, the conservative party had a big lead in the prime minister elections, but once Trump began to attack Canada, that lead slowly diminished, and the liberal party, led by Mark Carney, won the federal election, defeating Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre. This means that in a roundabout way, Trump helped the liberal party into office by threatening to annex Canada and initially imposing several tariffs on them. But I’m not sure that’s what he wanted. And I’m not sure if Trump realized what he had accomplished, putting a different party in Canada than the party he represents in the United States.

After hearing this response, Andrew appears uninterested in what party is now in control in Ottawa. He says, “They’re just our tiny brother and we’re not too bothered by what they say or do.”

Claude smiles and stands up to leave the café, knowing that this interaction was a lesson in futility. As he opens the café door to go, the expression comes to mind: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.

A Mindboggling Perspective (Satire)