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A Different Spin on the Capitol Insurrection (Satire Warning)

Updated: Jul 29, 2021

According to Wikipedia: On Wednesday, January 6, 2021, the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C., was stormed during a riot and violent attack against the U.S. Congress. A mob of supporters of President Donald Trump attempted to overturn his defeat in the 2020 presidential election by disrupting the joint session of Congress assembled to count electoral votes to formalize President-elect Joe Biden's victory. (Some visitors felt justified and also think that 'Wikipedia' is 'fake news.')

According to many of those hard-working Americans and patriots, there were plenty of legitimate reasons to enter the Capitol. See their reasons below:

1. It was only a test to determine if the Capitol windows were shatterproof.

2. They were fixated on finding evidence that the current Democrats were actually socialists, if not communists.

3. Many figured they’d have a chance to meet Trump as he’d join them once they broke through.

4. Some smoked pot while inside and one may wonder if they were from NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws). They really didn’t mean to break or steal anything; those jolly and innocent visitors were merely interested in lobbying for the legalization of marijuana in all 50 states. (At least that’s what they kinda remember.)

5. They went in looking for Mike Pence to determine if the former Indiana Governor indeed still had a backbone.

6. Some visitors worked in corporate HR so they were interested in viewing the gym, cafe, and other perks given to members of Congress.

7. They were trying to determine if Congress was also in on ‘draining the swamp.’

8. They struck before 5 pm in hopes of securing the “early bird” special in the Capitol dining room.

9. Many were from rural America who was fearful of large urban areas but still wanted to ride the U.S. Capitol subway system for the first time (a rail system that connects several buildings of Congress).

10. They were honest and patriotic Americans who had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) and were incapable of touring the Capitol through the normal entrance policy. Do you blame them for knowing they were inflicted with ADHD? Have some empathy, would ya?

11. Many of those that entered the building were carrying American flags – come on, domestic insurrectionists would never carry an American flag while entering the Capitol.

12. Some protestors who marched to the Capitol thought DC meant “Destroy the Capitol” instead of the District of Columbia.

13. Not many were hurt, they were just visiting so “everything is fine” and why would only “woke” politicians continue to dwell on this slight disturbance in Congress.

14. To some, this was a science experiment that being maskless (and not being vaccinated) in a large group will not infect you with the Coronavirus. If it does, do what DJT suggests, hydroxychloroquine, Regeneron or if any of these two are unavailable, everyone has bleach somewhere in their home.

15. Those visitors brought their phones and “live-streamed it” provided an unadulterated tour of the Capitol. Not even seen on C-Span.

16. They wanted to win the bet with their neighbor on achieving this. I guess winning a case of beer was well worth the trouble although 300 hours of community service seems like the bet went in the opposite direction. You can’t avoid restitution but you could refuse to pay up to your neighbor – save you 25 bucks but you might be frozen out of impromptu adult neighborhood events.

17. Some pot and tobacco users merely broke into the Capitol to test the reliability of all smoke detectors. It was really just that benign.

18. They wanted to DM their representatives as they feel like voicemails and emails weren’t effective in getting the attention of their representatives.

19. Just touring the rotunda – this was the first time they could do so as the only other chance was with the Civics class in 8th grade, but they were ill that day.

20. They wanted to confirm there were enough US flags displayed inside the building to ensure Congress still loved America. (there was a rumor on several alternate websites that reported there a very few flags in the Capitol Building so many the commies are ready to take over.)

21. Some were high school and college students who were only interested in a free tour of the Capitol.

22. Some that entered were history buffs and wanted to see if indeed George Washington was buried in the US Capitol crypt and not Mt. Vernon (which is directly beneath the Capitol rotunda).

23. They wanted to verify that indeed, Nancy Pelosi does have a heart.

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